Popcorn crumbs lay scattered on the kitchen floor. I sweep them into a pile, listening to the sound of school in the classrooms on the other side of the wall. Remnants of last night’s Bible study litter our house. ABC’s echo through the cracks in the walls and ceiling and our wooden front door.
Broom bristles sweep over the cement as I wonder about this new season the Lord has us in. Upon returning to Haiti, we found out we no longer needed to be teachers for the 2nd grade class– something that (last we had heard) was only an idea that we tried not to pin all our hopes on. Now Abeka’s dvd school program echoes through every class on the compound, and I find myself asking, “What do you have for us, Lord?”
We’ve been back for 2 weeks now, Haiti’s winter welcoming us with its 80-degree climate and dew on the grass in the mornings. We are as settled as one can possibly be, I think. Floors swept and sheets washed and lollipops re-stashed for our little ‘shop’. And while we find ourselves excited for this new season -this break from teaching- we find ourselves a little… lost.
I stand at the sink, watching life on the compound go by. Inside my heart is this urge to do something, merely for the sake of doing. Quickly my mind can rush to a list of things I could fill a morning with. Yet I find God whispering no again and again to my heart. Not yet. Not now.
This change brings about the opportunity to do more of what our hearts are passionate about– discipleship, one-on-one tutoring, Bible studies, skills classes, time to invest in Mikey, youth group nights. The freed-up schedule leaves more time for new things, and we are excited about the possibilities and the change in our relationship with the kids. The calendar in the hallway quickly fills with Bible Studies and Fun Nights and times for skills classes, but a heart can always wonder.. is it enough?
The morning after our first girl’s Bible Study, I sit at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee. It’s a Bible Study I feel I don’t have the right personality to lead, and discouragement runs deep as I pour my weary heart out to the Lord. The conviction to start a Bible Study, particularly for the 2nd grade girls, has been there for nearly a year now. But somehow teaching seemed a good excuse for what really was a fear of confronting my inadequacies. Stripped of the lesson-planning excuse, it’s as if the Lord is humorously yet tenderly asking me, “What will be your reason now?”
I survey one compound, in one city, of one country.. and I wonder if we can make any bit of a difference. And in the sweeping of last night’s popcorn crumbs, God reminds my heart that it is not about me and what I can or cannot do. Rather, it is about being a very broken vessel, and letting Him pour through all the cracks and flaws and imperfections.
In this new season I find Him calling.. come to Me. With all your cracks and flaws and ways you feel as though you are not enough. Come to Me. And watch as I work through you, despite you. Come to Me. And allow Me to show Myself mighty because of your weakness.
All He ever asks is that we simply come.
Amidst the noise and the humidity and chaos that is Haiti, I have spent the first of many weeks learning this.. this concept of coming that I have known all my life, yet the Lord is revealing to me in a new way. And I pray to know Him more here, to be filled here, to be changed here.